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People accuse me of being pretentious because I’m rich.Anyway, I asked the person who I hired to pour my whisky, “Where’s the cigarette lighter?”He replied, “You gave him the day off, sir.”Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon…Fair play to the fella, I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!!I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get the feck out!.
Two boys arguing.
“My dad’s better than your dad” says one.
“No, my dad’s better. He won the darts championship last week” says the other.
“Ok” says the first, “but my mam’s better than yours”
“Yeah” says the other. “My dad says the same”A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.“It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!” said my wife.“And Sir?” said the waiter. “How did you find the pork belly?”“Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday.”Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ”Thieves Operate Here”…Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough.A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.”They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”You’ve never seen 2 people running so fast!!.Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”He carefully got himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets.After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face.“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.“You’re ever so clever,” said the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy“you’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”Paddy calls emergency services and says,”Please come quick,I’m trapped in my apartment building at 11 Point Pleasant.”“What floor are you on sir?” asks the operator.“Ceramic tiles I think.” says Paddy!A man is watching a movie on television with his wife.
The wife says, “That Angelina Jolie is very attractive?” The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. “Yeah, I guess you can say she is.” They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.
Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, “Can I have another egg?” The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, “Why don’t you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she’s so bloody beautiful?”
