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Teacher: “If you had $1.50 and you asked your father for $2.50, how much would you have?”
Boy: “$1.50”.
Teacher: “You don’t know your maths very well”.
Boy: “No miss, you don’t know my father very feckin well”.I don’t have one though know a VL 5L K Frame are identical.
I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan…
Awning has broken.Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said “Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?”Little Johnny said “Sulfuric Acid”Father Walsh said “you mustn’t play with that, it’s dangerous”Little Johnny said “I don’t tell you not to play with holy water”Father Walsh said ” No, because holy water is good…The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman’s tummy and she passed a baby boy.”“That’s nothing” Little johnny said “The other day I put Sulfuric Acid on my dogs Bollocks and he passed a Ferrari”A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.“I hurt,” the man said. “You don’t know how it feels.”“I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.”“Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room:She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:“Hello Darling.”The husband responds in a low tone:“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen!”A biker stops at a young girl who’s just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, “why not give me your last kiss before you jump?”She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever.When she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?”She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two snicker bars fall down at once from a vending machine.</span>
I said to my son, ”When your Ma and I were dating in the 80s, I used to take her up the hills in my Lada.””Oh Aye?” he smirked, ”And what did you get up to, eh?”I replied, ”Almost 35 mph one time.”I’m sure that my little brother is a drug addict.How do I know?Well, we were discussing comedy yesterday. I asked him for his best lines and he gave me a rolled up £20 note!The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.She asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”Helen: “No, the gardener did.”Wife: “So, how much do you want?”
