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Man kneeling by his bed, wife says
“What are you praying for?”
Husband says “Guidance”
Wife says “Pray for stiffness and I’ll guide it myself!”
Nigel Farrage, former leader of the UK Independence Party, was involved in plane crash when an Election Day stunt went wrong.
Air accident investigators have discovered the cause.
Apparently the plane had two right wings..
The definition ‘Bravery’
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys…..
Then…..being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And still having the guts to ask:
“Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?”
There’s a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says ‘there’s plenty more of that where I come from’.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says ‘there’s plenty more of those where I come from’.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train…..Our family were so poor, I remember one christmas I got a empty Action Man box,, I said whats this dad ? He said an Action Man Deserter,,
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
A Chinese couple gets married — and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
“My darring” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan …… numba 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled one he queries……… “You want… Beef wif Broccori.A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!”
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: “If you’re going as a sour-puss, I’m going as a dictator.”
<span style=”font-family: arial;”>A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and
an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent
had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending
you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no
for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was
that old guy I had to share the room with?”</span>
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
“But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.
“OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, “OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the — ”
The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
