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I said to my wife, ” I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son.” She said, “It’s natural.” “Natural?” I replied, “She was giving him crisps.”
Golf Resort
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one pound. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a pound. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another pound. His room is only a pound a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: £1.00
Dinner: £1.00
Room: £1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: £3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one Pound, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”
“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”
“Well, said the man, “if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand quid a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”
“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”
An Irishman walks out of a bar…
STOP LAUGHING !!..
IT COULD HAPPEN !!..
Not Married Yet
Sitting in the bar George asked his forty-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and housekeeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy too.”
The Super Salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. “Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” the manager at the office replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!”
“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”
He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
“How in the world did you do that?” the manager asked.
“I told you, I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!”
“Did you get a urine sample?” the manager asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, “Here’s Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”
“That’s good,” the manager said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”
Knowing Your Wife
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, “Was the patient really that bad?”
Richard said, “No, I just didn’t want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this.”I was playing football for my local pub team last Sunday, when the ref started handing out cards left, right and centre.
Silly bastard…Christmas isn’t for another month yet.
A Brave Husband
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
I remember when in the good old days the hardest thing about having a baby was choosing a name. Nowadays, it’s choosing a gender.
The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America’s health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
