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I asked the parachute shop owner ” What will happen if it is not open ?”
He said, ” Bring it back with the receipt we will refund your money.”
I thought to myself “That is a reasonable offer.
Eager to impress my new vegan girlfriend I cooked her a “Mixed Grill” of aubergine, carrot, courgette, red onion and sweet potato. “That was delicious,” she sighed as she sat back. “You really have got the hang of cooking a good vegan meal.” “Yes,” I beamed. “My secret is that I fry everything in bacon fat.”
Forward Planning
My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a huge fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
– To learn how to invest his massive inheritance.
– To find a wife to share his fortune.</span>One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at forward planning than men.
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9”. “Without numbers?” The Irishman says? “Dat is easy”. And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says the Irishman. “Fair enough” says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99”.
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree… “Ere you go”.
The boss scratches his head and says “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99”.
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100”.
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says “Ere you go. One hundred”.
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers “A little dog come along and poops by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”
Had your Christmas Party yet, just remember these Time-Honored Truths
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Senior Citizen
Yesterday my wife suggested why I didn’t do something useful with my time.She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys of my own age.
I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club .
She said “Are you nuts? You’re 60 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, “You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
I’m in trouble again and don’t know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
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This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by
Micks.
My fat obese wife was mad when I told her she shouldn’t wear her high-heels. “What,” she hissed, “I still have the right to feel feminine and sexy, even though I’m on the plus-size !” Anyway, that bouncy castle stood no chance.
The missus just phoned me and the conversation went like this!..
*
Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for Christmas!!.</span>Stephen said to his wife, “I’m getting you something small for Christmas.”
She said, “Is it underwear?”
He said, “Are you feckin’ deaf, I said something small.”
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This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by
