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<span class=”_4yxo”>So i said to the German bloke “why is that lump of meat in the boot of your car?”</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>”Dat is my spare veal” he replied.</span>
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”“Fucing sticks” said Paddy.
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?:
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick.” She said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
“Well, Miss, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put chocolate biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents.”
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked. “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year Miss…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”…then we all go to the Bahamas.”
I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.
“Is she okay?” I asked, worriedly.
“Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash.” he replied.
“I know that, but is she injured in any way?”
A woman gets cheated on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothi<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ng. I don’t know what to do”.</span>
The monk gives her a ice cream and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: “Is the ice cream delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looks her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?”
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”.
The monk shakes his head “No, I mean you are too fat.”
Please stop asking for the perfect man for Christmas. Santa tried to kidnap me 3 times already this week
We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, “That’s your shadow love…..”
<span class=”_4yxo”>I’ve an ambulance siren phobia.</span><span class=”_4yxo”>My wife left me for an ambulance driver and now when I hear one, I fear he is bringing her back.</span>
The Vet
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.
“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honourable profession,” the priest assured her.
“Where does he practice?”
“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.
All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
“Well,” says Sophie, ” when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.”
“If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.
“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”</span>
