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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to t<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ake off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”</span>
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”
Bought some chicken at the Chinese takeaway today,It was tough as elastic. I went in and said “Your chickens Rubbery
He said thank you very much,,,
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?
Rum and Water
A man drinks a shot of rum every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She decides her course of action.
So, she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water, and the other with rum. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
She puts a worm in the rum, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
He responds by saying: “If I drink rum, I won’t get worms!”</span>Three chinese brothers.. bu, chu and fu all wanted to live legally in america, they changed their names to sound more american…bu changed to buck, chu changed to chuck and fu went back to china.
There once was a magic Mirror and if you told it a lie you would disappear. So A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde tried it out.
The Brunette goes up and says, ” I have the best lookin eyes in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
The Redhead went up and said, ” I have the best legs in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
Finally the Blonde went up and said, ” I think…” And POOF. She disappeared.
Paddy says to Mick “I found a pen, is it yours?” Mick replies,”I don’t know, give it here.” He then tries it and says “Yes it’s mine.” Paddy asks, “How do you know?” Mick replies. “That’s my handwriting!”
NEWS: “The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will give up using their Royal Highness titles and return £2.4m to the taxpayer to cover the costs of refurbishing their Windsor home.” Fuk me, as soon as a bit of normal DNA is introduced into the mix they start to behave like decent human beings. Who’d have guessed? Thanks Mr Hewitt!
500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why ‘Smith’ is the most common name in the phonebook.
Yes it’s very simple & fail safe in design
The Mother-in-Law came round this morning . I knew it was her because next door’s Rotweiller was whimpering . I let her in the hallway and she started ( Always criticising the old bat ! )
She pointed to a frame on the wall and said ‘Oh ! I suppose that hideous painting on the wall there is what you call Modern art?’
I said ‘No Mother-in-Law . It’s the new MIRROR!’
