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Crimewatch…
48 year old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonising decision.
To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital..
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?” Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.” She said “you can have it, b<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ut it will cost you £100.”</span>
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the £100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?” Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you £100?” Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me £100.”
“Good,” Dave says. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the £100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust!!..
As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.
“I can’t hear you if you’re shouting from outside.” I said.
Again, he shouted back.
“I told you, I can’t hear you from there. It’s rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room.” I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
“Dad, I’ve got dog shit all over my shoes!!
What’s the difference between in laws and outlaws.
Outlaws are wanted.
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods. He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically. “Stop, stop!” she screamed. “Don’t worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain’t going to hurt you” he explained. “No, it’s not that, could you turn the meter off first?” she replied.
10 years ago I became addicted to Viagra, I was taking up to six tablets a day.
It was a habit that I found difficult to stop, but with help and support I have been clean for over two years.
It was hard when I stopped and it is still hard today !
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
‘NO! ‘ the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘ NO!
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered ‘ NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven? ‘
A little boy shouted out: “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ‘ DEAD….”
……………………….It’s a curious race, the Irish.
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.<span class=”_4yxo”>went for a Chinese meal last night</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>but I ordered from The Specials board,</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>and</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>got too much foo yung.</span>
I asked the barber’ the other day, ‘What kinda cut would make me look handsome ??
‘He said a power cut’ !! ..
