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Over Breakfast One Morning
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’
‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked.
‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other arsehole using my stuff…’
‘What makes you think I’d marry another arsehole?”
Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:
You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:
“How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”
“10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)“Well, your honor, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”
“50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”Reckon you got them in the nick of time! In a running vehicle could have catastrophic!
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “FukYou!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain..
The year 2020 in review so far:
Harry & Meghan leave the royal family.
Prince Andrew abolished from royal duties for being a nonce and it’s swept under the carpet.
World war three nearly breaks out after Donald a Trump orders airstrike killing Iranian chief.
Corona Virus threatens to wipe out half the worlds population.
Philip Scholefield comes out as gay and his wife is right behind him…
With a strap on
Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said
– Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
– I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
– Oh! What does he want.
– To rape us.
– What can we do.
– Let’s separate. You go left and I will go right.
– He followed Sister Rose.
– Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried.
– After an hour Sister Rose appeared.
– What happed?
– I started to run and so did he.
– And then?
– He caught up with me.
– Oh my God. And what did you do.
– I lifted up my dress.
– Sister! And what did he do.
– Dropped his pants.
– And then?
– Its obvious isn’t it.– A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
If you thought of a different ending
Pray 188 Hail Marys and 320 Our Fathers and ask God to clean your filthy mind.And Don’t send this back to me as I am still praying.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman In a brand new VW Golf !! Doing 90mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on her makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily..
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked
the sausage roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten my car using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the coffee
between my legs, which splashed and burned “Big Jim and the Twins”,
ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an Important call…
FUKING Women Drivers!!..
Prostitute says to paddy do you want to sleep with me for 50 quid.
Paddy says well i’am not really tired but i could do with the money!!.
