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A FROG GOES INTO A BANK
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
My best mate is the best pranker ever. Every time i come home early he is always hiding naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks in without the wife even knowing is beyond me. Legend!!.
Not so cool, but certainly extinct!
I called a lady who owed me money and she didn’t pick my calls. I called 10 times and still no answer. Then I sent her a message –
“Hi madam, I’m not calling for the money issue, I wanted to tell you that I just witnessed two girls fighting for your husband in town today, it was a big fight and he was just there watching, and then one of the girls managed to escape, got into his car and they drove away”, then l pressed the send button.
After some minutes she called and I ig<span class=”text_exposed_show”>nored, she kept calling & I saw 21 missed calls from her and a message which read – “where was the fight, where did they go, did you recognize the girls? Please tell me, am falling apart.” I just read and didn’t respond.
She called again 5 times and I didn’t answer, then another message from her – “I have your money can we meet and you tell me more?”
Then I replied, ok you can transfer the money so that I can go to the fuel station and refill, then I will pick you and drive to one of the girls’ place cause I know them.
After 2 minutes, I got a transfer alert message, my money was fully paid. I then switched off my phone and slept like a baby!!</span>
Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Barry’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat… and nearly drowned!
Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, “Grandma he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Barry’s, troubled eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot!!
It’s always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.
Except, when you’re in prison!!.
The wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then!!..
The fella next door took going to jail really badly,He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at everybody,and even smeared the walls with his own shit.
Thats the last time i ever ask him over for a game of Monopoly,,,
Paddy and Brigitte, a middle-aged couple, had drifted apart and the end of their marriage came one Friday night over a plate of fish and chips.
“It’s no good Brigitte, this marriage is a sham, I’m leaving you. I may be 57 years old but I’ve met a 19 year old who wants to be with me and I want to be with her”, said Paddy proudly.
“Well, well, well”, replied Brigitte scornfully. “She’s welcome to you. By the way, I’ve met a gorgeous young man of 19 who goes for older women. I may be 57 as well but he says I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. So, stuff you, Paddy, and just remember this. 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19”!
