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Wouldn’t it be a shame if the Antidote for Coronavirus was made from Pork
Found a wallet, and thought about handing it in and thought “Well, if I lost my wallet with $500 in it , how would I feel?” And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
The girlfriend and I had a blazing row then she stormed off, jumped in the car, sped away and ended up wrapping it round a lampost and killing herself.
I was so upset I went to a medium as I wanted to apologise for my harsh words.
For half an hour we sat there in silence, watching the ouija board.
All of a sudden the medium stands up and says “That’ll be $500 please.”
“But nothing’s happened!”
I replied.
“She’s still not talking to you,” said the medium!!.
I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.
As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”
“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”
“That’s ridiculous” he replied.
I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shit on tv.”
So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.
5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”
“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.
I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”
I’ve been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me.
Paddy returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. “All right,” Paddy shouted, “I demand to know where this cigar came from!” A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.”
Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walke<span class=”text_exposed_show”>d back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”</span>
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?” “Nope. Not a clue”, she replied. “IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat!”
After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years” so, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems”.
We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees.
From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but cycling through the freezing builds resilience.
Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedalling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.
Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket.
For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry, just like my parents and grandparents used to do.
Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the secondhand shop.
We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen and jute. Also can’t have clothes made on wool, because the emissions from farting sheep are supposedly causing bad weather.
It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colourless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate.
Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment.
We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention.
From now on, at 7 p.m. We will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2.
She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle.
Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.
We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet.
Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia.
Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food.
Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rain forests first grew.
No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2.
We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminium must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminium smelter? All bad for the climate!
We will replace her memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw, with a horse hair pillow.
And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Facecloths will all be linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future.
In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.
If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life.
A guy dies and goes to Hell and meets Satan. Satan says to the man, “Nowadays, people entering Hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity.” Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their headS on a hard-wood floor. The man says, “This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please.” Satan the<span class=”text_exposed_show”>n walks the man down to the the second door. The man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. The man says, “This is even worse. Please show me the next room.”</span>
Satan nods and takes him to the third door. The man looks inside sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid shit, all drinking coffee. The man says,”This is the place for me.” Satan says, “Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back…” The mans says, “I’m positive. I do love coffee.”
The man steps in and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says, “Coffee break is over! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!.
Last night I got into bed with my wife and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but she had other ideas and started to grab hold of me and play with me, I knew she was up for it.
So I turned to her and said “Darling go down stairs and bring the cling film up.” and she did because she’s a really broad minded girl.
So I ripped off a large piece and put it between her legs, she look at me and said “Will it make me really sensitive?”
I looked back at her and said “No, but it’ll keep you fresh until tomorrow!!..
