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A husband returns home from work to discover that his wife is missing.
He spends the next two days looking for her, and when he comes home on the second night he finds his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
“You’re alive!” he cries. “Where have you been all this time?”
“These four men kidnapped me, and have had wild sex with me for a week.”
“But you’ve only been gone two days!?!”
“Yeah, I’ve just nipped home to get something to eat…”</span>
This lockdown brings back memories of asking my Grandad what he did during the war.
Apparently he bred messenger pigeons with woodpeckers.
Not only did they deliver a message but they also knocked on the door.
We are 2 weeks into self-isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.
I’ve even considered letting her in.
But rules are rules.
My sister asked me to pick her toddler up from creche. The interfering bitch in charge of the creche has reported me for smacking him. She reckons you’re only supposed to smack them if they’re being naughty. She also reckons being ginger doesn’t count as naughty..
Nigeria has confirmed 43 cases of Coronavirus. I hope it’s not the Nigerian Prince who wants to transfer $7,000,000 into my bank account.
My wife came home early to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely candlelit dinner on the table and place settings for two.
“Oh this is a surprise” she said.
“Too right it is,” I replied “I didn’t expect you back till Monday! “
Imagine if 10 years ago you were approached by a time traveler and he was like “look, I don’t have much time to explain, but all I can tell you is that the year 2020 is going to be an absolute shit show. You know Donald Trump, the star of the apprentice? Well he’s the president of the United States and at the beginning of 2020 he gets into a Twitter spar with Iran that almost starts World War 3. Australia catches on fire and a woman tries to save it by selling pictures of her<span class=”text_exposed_show”> boobs. Kobe Bryant dies in a helicopter crash. Half the world is devastated, the other half just makes dank ass memes. Then some dude in China eats a raw ass bat and starts a global pandemic that specifically kills maw maws and paw paws. Everyone loses their minds. 40% of the population thinks it’s the end of the world, another 40% thinks it’s all fake, and 20% blames the whole thing on cell phone towers and pedophiles. The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the only way to survive is by hoarding toilet paper. Grocery stores are ransacked and Charmin ultra soft essentially replaces the dollar as the official U.S. currency. As hysteria grows, world governments are forced to shut the entire planet down and lock everyone in their houses and the only person that can keep the people from completely flipping out and starting a huge riot is a gay, gun toting Oklahoma meth head with 180 pet tigers… I’d be like, “Here’s a dollar now get away from me crackhead.”</span>
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.” The woman did as she was told. “Now, get down an<span class=”text_exposed_show”>d craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, “OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me.” So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.” Worried, the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?” Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass!!</span>
The wife and I were at this pretentious event for her work and this academic-looking guy started asking, “If you were in a room and had a gun with two bullets, and also in the room was Hitler, Stalin, and Chairman Mao, who would you shoot ?” I replied, “My wife, twice.”
One Sunday night, the preacher asked for testimonies and prayer requests.
One woman stood up and said, “Sister and Brothers, please pray for me.
This has been a very trying week.
That old devil has done everything in his power to make me miserable.
Pray that I will have the fortitude to persevere.”
As she sat down,
Her husband stood up and said, “Brothers and Sisters,
I want you to know, she ain’t the easiest fucin woman to get along with neither!!
