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Ffs even the church is charging for parking now its pray and display
It was my wife’s birthday and she looked at the gift I got her and fumed, “What the hell is this ?” “Sorry, sorry,” I stammered nervously, “I know you talked about maybe finally trying to lose weight, so to help you track your progress I got you some scales !” “I know that !” she stormed… “But this one is meant to weigh livestock !
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</abbr> </span><article>I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.Arlene: What in the hell is that?Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.Arlene: Where did you get it??Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy andannounces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’The pharmacist fainted!!.My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.“Don’t worry,” i said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right nurse?”“Yes,” said the nurse gagging, “But it’s usually the mother not the father!..”The missus said, “If I ever got alzheimers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me…”I said, “That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today babe!!My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.I didn’t even know he was training to be a gynaecologist!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>God created Adam and said, “I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?”Adam replied, “I would like a sandwich,”to which God then created Eve!!..Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….”Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender,“Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the littlewoman.”“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”“When it was over,” Rick replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”“Really? Now that’s a switch. What did she say?”She said, “Come out from under the bed, you chicken-shit.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap…I said, “I’m not falling for that one again!”</span>
AIDS WARNING!To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you……SENIOR CITIZENSARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!HEARING AIDSBAND AIDSROLL AIDSWALKING AIDSMEDICAL AIDSGOVERNMENT AIDSMOST OF ALL,MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!Not forgetting HIV(Hair is Vanishing)I went to the doctor and asked, “What’s the best exercise to lose weight?”He said, “Just shake your head.”I said, “How often?”He says, “Every time someone offers you food you fat bastard.”I think my wife is seeing someone else.. She just asked If I wanted some Pepsi max!..
My name is Steve!!..I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!” I said, “$200 and it’s yours”
Boss rang me this morning.Boss: Where are you?Me: I’m on the bus heading towards WorthingBoss: Why are you on a bus heading to Worthing ??Me: When I finished work yesterday, you told me to ” Be in Brighton early tomorrow “.This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
I was late for work yesterday and the boss called me into his office.“Why were you late?” he asked.“I nearly choked to death,” I replied.“You nearly died?” he said.“Yeah, it was my own silly fault though. I’m alright now.”“Well, in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning. I hope you’ve learnt something from that though,” he said sternly.“Oh I have,” I said “I’ve learnt you should never try to look up a girl’s skirt on an escalator if you’re wearing a tie.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>
