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A young sailor on a year long deployment received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
‘Dear Jack,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you
Love, Jenny’
Jack, with hurt feelings, asked his shipmates for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-lashes, aunties cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Jenny, he included all the other pictures of the pretty ladies he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:
“Dear Jenny,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care, Jack”
Never did I think that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth….
Chrysler Hemi Pacer
I can’t believe I’m in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she’s pregnant. So be careful fella’s, this virus obviously reverses the effect of a vasectomy.
A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.</span>Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Yesterday, the French authorities deployed the military to supermarkets, in order to keep them secure and ensure social distancing is being respected. However, after one old lady coughed, the armed forces have capitulated and are now negotiating terms of surrender with the shoppers.
On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very hot Nightgown.
“Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time,” she said coyly.
“No thanks, I want to sit out here,”he said.
So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
“Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?”she asked.
“Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it.”
A 75 year old lady says to her husband, “You know what, I think I’ll go to the doctor and get a checkup.”
Her husband says, “Sure, thats a good idea dear.”
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, “99”. <span class=”text_exposed_show”>
She says “99”.
“I see nothing wrong there,” says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, “Say 99”.
She says “99”.
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
“We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups.”
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, “Say 99”
She says, “one, two, three, four, five, six………</span>
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That’s nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he’s done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.</span>
