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A bloke goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm and says, “Do you do fishcakes?”
“Yeah.” Replied the chippy owner.
“Good,” says the bloke pointing at the salmon, “it’s his birthday.”
One of the first GTO Pontiacs being shipped to Nth America
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
I’ve always suffered with a bad back. Years and years . I went to the docs , please do something .He referred me to specialist . When I saw him , he said there’s a cure in America,but it’s sixty thousand dollars . I said I don’t care anything . What’s the cure , he said well they inject mercury into the spine . Wow isn’t that dangerous . No he said , it’s safe . But there’s one drawback . What’s that I asked . He said , well In summer you’re nine foot three and in winter you’re two foot six
I asked my girlfriends father if I could marry his daughter
I’ve never been so happy in my life.
He told me to fuk off.
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
“Are you the friar?” he asked.
The brother replied “No. I’m the chip monk.”
A train hits a bus filled with Roman Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl ‘Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ She giggles and shyly replies, ‘Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’
St. Peter asks the next girl the same<span class=”text_exposed_show”> question, ‘Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ‘Well, once I fondled and stroked one.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'</span>
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ‘Louise, what seems to be the rush?’
The girl replies, ‘If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.”
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been Stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these.
“I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Are you kiddin’ me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
“Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your f*cking car!!</span>
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the<span class=”text_exposed_show”> way home from work.” </span>
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ah, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud…They’re hookers!”
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, “Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”
The mother replies, “Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”
Monaro HRT 427 Built on an LS6 Geniii block
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense…?
I had a really bad day playing golf today, l only hit two good balls and that was when l stepped on a rake in a bunker!
