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There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He absolutely hated that.
Now one day there was a massive storm. Rain was coming down in sheets and it lasted so long that the small river than ran next to the outhouse swelled up so high<span class=”text_exposed_show”> that the outhouse was only about a foot away from it. Little Timmy saw this and realized this could be his chance to get rid of the outhouse. </span>
He ran and got one of his dads shovels and some planks and quickly ran over to the side of the outhouse to dig away the dirt and lever it up with the planks. Finally, he gave it one last hard shove and the entire outhouse toppled into the river and drifted downstream.
Little Timmy was pretty happy with himself until later that night, while he was in the kitchen helping his mother make supper, his dad walked into the house. Now little Timmy saw his dads face, as his dad began to take off his belt, and knew the game was up, so he thought fast and decided his best chance was to immediately come clean.
“Pa.”
“Yes son”
” I pushed the outhouse into the river”
“I know that son. Now bend over”
At this Little Timmy was taken aback, “but pa, George Washington told how he cut down the cherry tree and he didn’t get in trouble for it”.
His dad pauses for a moment, before replying “son. George Washington’s dad wasn’t IN the cherry tree”
I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s licence!!..
Received a call from a recruitment agency. She said to me: “Sir I have two openings for you…!”
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said…..
Asshole!
Then I said, I prefer the other one.
I went for a job interview yesterday.
The interviewer said, “According to your CV, you like Philosophy, Astronomy and Mathematics.”
“Well that’s correct,” I replied.
“Can we have a discussion on that?” He asked again.
“Yes of course.” I answered.
“Well then,” he paused, “Do you think that we are alone in this Universe?”
“No,” I replied. “There are people outside this room waiting for the interview you stupid bastard”.
Didn’t get the fucing job!!
Awe look at that, 60 years they’ve been together and she’s just give him a big sloppy teenager kiss, so much in love. ” said my missus spying on our neighbors.
“Are you kidding, they hate each others guts and she’s just found out she’s Covid-19 positive. ” I replied.
A new sign in the Bank reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake!!.
On a bright sunny day I think, ‘beer garden.’
And when it’s grey and raining, I love the warmth and cosiness of the pub.
If it’ snowing nothing beats sitting at home watching a good film with a few bottles of red wine.
I’m beginning to think I have a problem with the weather!!
A new virus which is spreading a hundred times quicker then Coronavirus has been discovered, the imasthickasshit virus affects people’s ability to social distance properly, people with the imasthickasshit virus will go out to parks and beauty spots in their droves with no worries about spreading the Coronavirus. Doctors think that Coronavirus and imasthickasshit virus could be connected, but are worried by the speed imasthickasshit virus is spreading, if you see a group of people drinking tinnies in a public area please keep well clear of them!
