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<span class=”_4yxo”>Trump’s Parade</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! Trump was very impressed and said,”That’s really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?”His assistant said,… “I couldn’t tell, the casket was closed.”</span>
1968 Firebird
I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license…
just because of a stupid police officer…
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”
Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”
Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”
Me: “A car.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”
Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”
Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:”A motorcycle.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”
Officer:”A prostitute of course.”
Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend…
Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one’s view’s and by trying to make it objective, and by considering each and every one’s valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to fucing say!!
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said…
“Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.”
This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB:(makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Shit”… </span>
The teacher said..
Let’s begin by reviewing some history. Who said: ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death!’?She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.“Very good! “Who said: ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!’?”
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing. “Let’s try one a bit more difficult.
“Who said, ‘Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country’?”
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said:
“John F. Kennedy, 1961.”The teacher snapped at her class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. “Little Akio isn’t from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F–k the Japs.”
“Who said that? I want to know right now,” she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up,
“General MacArthur, 1945.”At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Little Akio says,
“George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*”Oh shit, we are screwed.”*Little Akio said quietly,
*”The whole population of earth, 2020, “when the governments quarantined the healthy and shut down the world over a measily virus.”
1970 Baracuda 383ci
A woman took her car to her mechanic.
She told him, “Every time I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I’m alone.”
The mechanic was puzzled, so he said, “OK, let’s go for a spin and see what the problem is.”
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, “There it is now—there’s that terrible smell. Can you smell it?”
The mechanic replied “Smell it? Lady, I’m sitting in it..”
Dear Woolworths,
Last week I purchased some of your “smart price” toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That’s right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong ‘un in a cold bathroom.
So what exactly is “smart” about “smart price”? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that’s just performed a prostate exam.
The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it’s not just the competition you can’t wipe out!
Yours truly,
A very unhappy customer
F.F.S. people take offence at any thing today.
Met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop.
And I only asked how he was gettin on!!!.
