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A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.
“Blowjobs for £20 if you’re interested”.
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, “Sister, what’s a blowjob?”
She replies, “£20. Same as in town”
^Thats the new Corvette? I like that!!
It certainly is.
An accordionist was driving home after a gig and decided to stop for coffee at a motorway services. Whilst he was drinking his coffee he realised he had left his accordion on full display on the back seat of his car. He rushed out to cover it up but when he got to his car he realised he was too late. His back window was smashed in and 3 more accordions had been chucked in!!
My mates called me a tight arse, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I’m not…
Turns out they wanted one fucing each!
A man visiting Scotland enters a very old pub, though the pub is full of people no one appeared to be drinking. Undeterred the man asks for a pint of beer. The barman pulls the pint and charges 1p. “1p for a pint of beer?’ ask the man. “Arh well” explains the barman “Today the pub is 100 years old, so to celebrate we are today charging the prices of a 100 years ago”
“That’s fantastic ” says the man “But why is nobody else in the pub drinking?”
The barman replies “They’re waiting for Happy Hour to start!!.
COLIN THE ABORIGINE
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks… I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said,
‘I want the bastard who pushed me in!!..
I’ve learnt 2 things tonight, I’m not very good on the drums,
And my neighbour’s got tourettes!FC Wagon
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks, ‘No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.’ And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed? ‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats hisquestion:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?’
‘Yes, please, my Lord’
God looks behind him, claps his hands and Calls out: ‘ Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!’
Little Johnny asks his father for a £200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father says,
“We have an £80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a £200 bike this year.”
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
His father asks him why he’s leaving.
Johnny says,
“Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting stuck with an £80,000 mortgage!”
XR Van
I hate when people see me at the supermarket & are like ”Hey what you doing here.” I’m like ”Oh you know, hunting wild fucing Elephants!!
My friends think I’m an oddball. Well that’s what I heard them say over my headphones, as I sat in an unmarked van outside the pub!!
IJ, this is really coming together nicely, once you blow some paint everywhere will look very Pro.
