Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I was telling a gorgeous woman in the coffee shop that I’d recently lost my wife.
She put her arms around me, cuddled my head on her breast and said, “It’ll be alright.”
“No, it won’t,” I replied, “She’ll find me fucing soon.”
I was sitting at the computer last night when the wife asked me what a was doing, A told her a was looking for cheap flights, she beamed a great smile and said a love you so much and then gave me the best sex ever.
I found it strange as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.
I went to see my doctor this morning.
“How can I help you?” she asked.
“I found a lump while I was in the bath,” I replied, pointing downwards.
“Oh right,” she said, “Take your trousers down for me.”
After having a good old feel of my balls for a few minutes, she said, “I can’t feel a lump.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
I said, “It’s on my toe.”</span>
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’
The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.’
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87-years-old!’
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..
‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!!.. </span>
A Northern Territory farm hand (a Jackeroo) radios back to the Farm Manager.
“Bossman, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a Pig with the Truck. The Pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the Truck’s Bullbars at the front of my Truck and is Wriggling and Squealing so much I can’t get him out.”
The Manager says, “OK, there’s a .303 Rifle behind the Front Seat. Take it, Shoot the Pig in the Head and it’ll be easier to remove him.”
Five minutes later the Jackeroo calls back, “I did what you said Bossman. Took the 303, Shot the Pig in the Head and removed him from the Bull-Bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on”.
“Now what’s the problem”..??? raged the Manager.
“Well Boss, it’s his Motor-Bike. The Flashing Blue Light is stuck under the Right-Front Wheel Arch.”
A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They’ve been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So naturally, he’s worried sick about her well being and ev<span class=”text_exposed_show”>entually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.</span>
The girl opens it.
“Hi Sue, you couldn’t make me a cup of tea, could you?”
“Course I can Dad,” she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.
“Look, son,” he says. “I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I’m worried about our Sue.”
“Why, what’s up with her?” replies the lad.
“Well, I shouldn’t really tell you, but she’s got acute angina.”
“Oh, I know…” says the lad. “… great pair of tits too!
Roman’s invaded England three times and enslaved English people into slave labour, I would like Italy to apologise before I really get offended or I’m going to riot and destroy Hadrians wall.
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. watch them slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”
3. Skip down the street, rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling. “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
8. Tell your children over dinner.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is!!
With due consideration, in Snooker the white ball has been withdrawn due to it being seen as Supreme-ist. The Yellow and Brown are being reviewed. Reluctantly the Black ball is being withdrawn in fear of backlash. Only Red, Green, Blue and Pink are to be used!!
Nice FC
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Tootsie, Joni, Jan, Bonnie, Judy and Muffy.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a yard sale.’
A real Chrysler
