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The day finally came when the jockey was married to his girlfriend. They had met when she was working as a stable hand and their romance began with a shared love of horses:
At long last, after the reception, they arrived at their honeymoon hotel. Since their relationship until then had been old fashioned and chaste, they were keen to get to know each other much more closely in the Biblical sense.
Initially, there was some confusion about their booking and the manager interven<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ed and said. “We have two suites available. Would you like the bridal?”</span>
“Oh no.” Said the jockey. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”
PIM?
Yes! Powertrain Interface Module. I already asked IJ about this on FB. Seems to only appear on automatic vehicles with esp. My VZ M6 does not have either.
I’ve recently joined a local wine tasting club.
If anybody would like to tag along we meet every day on the benches in the park at around 8.30am!!
Dr explaining the pandemic to a coma patient who just woke up……….
Dr: “They shut down the world because of a worldwide pandemic.”
Patient: “OMG! How many people are infected?”
Dr : “About 11 Million.”
Patient: “OMG! 11 million people died?”
Dr: “No, only 500 thousand… Kind of.”
Patient: “What do you mean ‘kind of’?”
Dr: “Well… they keep halving the number of deaths due to double counting, inaccurate tests and mislabeled death certificates. Also, most of the people that die are elderly and dying of other things. There are also people who died because of incorrect ventilator use and other treatments because no-one really understands the virus.”
Patient: “I don’t get it. So how many died from ONLY the virus… like literally dropped dead in the street?”
Dr: “No-one. Only in hospitals and nursing homes”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I, it’s a very confusing time.”
Patient: “So they cured the other 11 million people then?”
Dr: “No, most didn’t have any symptoms and in fact they didn’t even know they had it.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”
Patient: “It doesn’t sound very deadly. If the other 11 million people didn’t have symptoms then how do they even know they had the virus?”
Dr: “They were tested.”
Patient: “But you just said that the tests are inaccurate.”
Dr: “They are. No-one has isolated the virus so the tests don’t really test for that.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”
Patient: “Ok. So when will this pandemic be over?”
Dr: “When they develop a vaccine to stop the virus.”
Patient: “The virus that nobody gets or dies from.”
Dr: “Exactly.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”<span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/te/1/16/1f622.png’);”>😢</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/td0/1/16/1f602.png’);”>😂</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/te/1/16/1f622.png’);”>😢</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/td0/1/16/1f602.png’);”>😂</span></span>
Mary comes in with a brand new bag that looked expensive
Paddy: “Honey; I see you got a new Gucci bag! Where’d you get it?”
Mary: “My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings.”
Next day, she comes home with new, fancy sunglasses.
Paddy: “Wow, those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?”
Mary: “My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again.”
The third day; she drives home in new Ferrari.
Paddy: “Let me guess…. you and your boss won the lottery again?”
Mary: “Yes!! Isn’t our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me, so I can relax?”
Paddy: “Anything for you, dear.”
Mary comes up to see and finds the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water.
Mary: “Honey how is this gonna work?! You need to fill it with way more water than this.”
Paddy: “We don’t want to get your lottery ticket wet now, do we?
1971 Mach 1
Just heard on Sky News that there is to be another protest in London tomorrow about coloured cake decorations, police are expecting hundreds and thousands!!
Texted the wife – Hi Darling. I’m in the pub with a couple of mates having a quiet drink.. Someone just coughed, so we have all been quarantined. See you in 14 days!!
God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’
And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’
So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’
‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre bleu…Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’
‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘They’re free.’
‘We’ll take 10.’
There you go…that should offend just about everybody!!
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out “What’s the matter Jim?” Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:
“Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.
I walked past this little old man sitting on his porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. ”I couldnt help but notice how happy you look, whats your secret for a long happy life? ”
I asked.
”I smoke 3 packs a day” he answered “I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat a full fry up every day and I never exercise”. ”Thats amazing” I said “how old are you anyway?” …..”twenty six” he said!!
Prince Phillip on his 99th, talking to Andrew. “It takes a lot to be the black sheep of this family, but somehow you fucing managed it”
