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I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
A junior high school in South Louisiana was recently faced with a unique problem.A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would remove the lipstick . . . and then the next day the girls would mess up the mirrors again.Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with Mr. Boudreaux. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, she asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.When I asked my Gran what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.”Well, we’ve just got back from the cemetery and she doesn’t seem too fucking happy.A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’<span id=”jsc_c_1yp” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.He had never missed a day and was never late.Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation.All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him,“I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway”“I Nearly killed myself….”And the boss said,“And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.
“I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded.
The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees.
The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
“Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”Paddy’s been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”We was enjoying our family holiday last week when my 12-year-old son said, “I wonder if the sea is cold, dad?”
“You’re just about to find out,” I laughed, picking him up and throwing him in.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” screamed my wife, as she stared at me in complete shock.
“It’s okay,” I replied, “He can swim.”
“Where to Steve? We’re on a flamin cruise ship!”A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything… He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up toanotherlion and says “What’s the food like here?”The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had ….Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!!<article id=”js-XFUniqueId72″ class=”message-body js-selectToQuote”>After his father has run off with another lady the little boy tells his mummy that she should find a new boyfriend. She tells him she doesn’t need a boyfriend and that the television is her new boyfriend. She tells him that even though she has to bang it to get it going that when it gets going it keeps her happy for ages. Later that day the parish priest knocks at the door and the little boy answers it. The priest asks if his mummy is in to which the little boy replies. Yes she is but she is banging her boyfriend at the moment to get him going but once he gets going he will keep her happy for hours!!..
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I woke up this morning and there was a great big strawberry growing on my nose,,went the doctors he said,,,,,,Ive got some cream for that,,,This fuel shortage is very worrying. Its been reported that some parents have had to walk for up to 5 whole minutes to take their children to school..
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”My girlfriend said last night “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance!!.So a man and a little boy entered a barbershop togetherThe man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.‘I’m going to buy a tie to wear for tonight’s party, alright?’ he asked. ‘I’ll be back in a few minutes.’‘Sure,’ the boy said.By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn’t returned.‘Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,’ the barber said.‘That wasn’t my dad,’ the boy said. ‘He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.’NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.Maybe it got married!!.I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, “What superpower would you have if you could have any?”“Invisibility,” I replied.“I’m intrigued,” she went on. “What would you do if you were invisible?”“Sit here and watch the TV in feckin peace,” I replied!!.My wife is really beginning to annoy me.I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu…..Double whopper with cheese!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Need some advice..I’ve been playing Gary Glitter rock and roll Christmas out loud, my neighbour said he was disgusted in me so I was wondering is it really too early for Christmas songs?.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span> and is it still ok to play cliff? <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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