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65 Plymouth Baracuda
I was explaining to the wife when you die you could be reincarnated but must be a different creature. She said she’d like to come back as a cow. I replied, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
“The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says.
The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.
“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.
I went to a catholic school in Ireland when I was young the brothers who ran the school didn’t like to teach sex education they had a more ‘hands on’ approach
My grandfather always used to say “When I was a lad you could leave your doors open”. That’s probably the reason his submarine sank
My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
“What are these little round things?” I asked.
“Have you never seen a chick-pea before?” she said.
“Of course I have. My last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn’t answer my question.”
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and I Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
*The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
*The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
*The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
*The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
*The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.
*The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both “bloody wankers”.
*Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
*The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any</span>
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer.The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked. “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?
Mr Khan my local shopkeeper must have known about Covid a long time ago. He’s been making his wife wear a face covering for years.
Couple in a restaurant sitting at a table for two, next table to them is a table for one, and there’s a fella sitting at it who happens to be suffering from Leprosy. When the couples starter arrives the guy looks across at the leper with a look of disgust on his face and pushes his uneaten starter away, the leper notices this and says…I apologise, I know how bad I look and I’m obviously turning you off your meal, I’ll just go and not be anymore trouble to you….
The guy an<span class=”text_exposed_show”>swers….Not at all, it’s no you I promise, not you at all, I’m sorry, please sit down and finish your meal.
Next the main course arrives, the guy takes up his knife and fork and takes a piece of the steak he ordered, he raises it to his mouth and at the same time glances at the leper, slams it back onto the plate and pushes it away and is has to struggle to not throw up for a minute or two.
The leper, embarrassed and self concious, stand up and says…..I’m really, really sorry and I don’t blame you at all, I should not have come here, I’m going to leave now I’ve obviously ruined your evening and your meal too.
The guy says….No honestly , it’s not you at all, please sit down and finish your meal, it’s not you at all I swear to you.
So the leper sits down again, and the couples dessert arrives, he takes his spoon and scoops up a mouth watering strawberry covered in ice cream from the bowl, raises it to his lips, glances at the leper and again puts it back into the bowl with a look of disgust on his face, and again pushes the bowl away.
The leper has had enough, he stands up and says…..Look, I can’t help the way I am, but everytime you look at me the look of disgust on your face is obvious to me, I’ve ruined your meal, and I am sorry, I’m going to leave now and I will pay for your meal by way of an apology.
The guy says……No, no really, please it’s not you, please sit down, I swear it’s not you at all.
The leper says…..You keep saying that, of course it’s me what else could it be ?
Guy says…..It’s not you, it’s that fella behind you at the next table, he keeps dipping he’s bread in the back of your neck.</span>
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
