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This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….
NAME:
Adam Land<span class=”text_exposed_show”>on Jones (Grumpy Bastard)</span>SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION:
Yes.LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20kg.?:
Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 KmsDO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.————————–————————–————————–————————
After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says</span></span></span>
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.</span></span></span>
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>
“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.</span></span>“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
<article id=”js-XFUniqueId63″ class=”message-body js-selectToQuote”>I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record
I said I didn’t realize you still needed one</article>
940 CI LJ Torana
“Swearing at Work.”
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, “TRY SAYING” phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don’t have a fucing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She’s a fucing power-crazy bitch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the fuk do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of:
Fuk off arse-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well fuk me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a fuk.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my fucing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead Of:
What the fuk?
9.
Try Saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No fucing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the fuk didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He’s got his head up his fucing arse.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me?
Instead Of:
Oi, fucface.XC Prototype
3 girls are on a plane that’s going to crash,An American,a French girl and an African girl.. the American puts on her makeup and says “Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!.” The French girl opens her bra and says “Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts first!” The African girl removes her knickers and says “f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!”
Manners and Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?” Mike replies “Wait a minute, I’m going for a p.”
The teacher says : “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says : “That’s much better but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”
And Billy says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. ”
The teacher passed out….
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom’s mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother’s advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!” The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “I’ve got my nose in her armpit, now what?”…….
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
“Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.
“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
