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My mate has just watched the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in the Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand!
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”
Johnson: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.
Cashier: “Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and<span class=”text_exposed_show”> requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Johnson, “Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”
Cashier: “Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?….</span>
In Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. “Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.” As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?” “Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.” “We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?” “Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now HE was special!” With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.” As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!” Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio?”
paddy’s wife awakes during the night to find that her husband
is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a
sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, paddy?’ she whispers as she steps into the
room. ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
paddy looks up from his coffee, ‘I’m just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were
only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how
caring and sensitive her husband is. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.paddy pauses. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do
you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat
of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
paddy continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my
daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that, too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says….
‘I would have fekin got out today!….lol</span>Bit of an update following some other pressing jobs I had to do, almost ready to install.
Some may of noticed have totally removed the inherent in tank filter altogether including the intank pressure regulator. I have bought an external adjustable pressure reg, which I will mount close to the fuel tank. Have fitted a return AN bulkhead fitting to the top of the sender unit plate & with a barbed fitting which will connect directly to the oem tank siphon. I have also cut a section away from the lower bucket to ensure a good stream of fuel to the intake strainer.
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?”“And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
A rather large lady was sat down and noticed there were 3 old ladies standing she turned to a man sat near her and says “if you were a gentleman you would get up and let one of those ladies sit down” the man replies “if, you were a lady you’d get up and let all 3 of them sit down, you fat bitch!!”.
Sean flew out of town for a few days to attend his buddies funeral. Upon return, he wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. Instead, he told his cab driver to take him someplace where he could get some action. The cab driver took him to his house!!
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. “Henry,” she said, “you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your <span class=”text_exposed_show”>company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat.” “And Henry,” she said, “you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!” “And Henry,” she continued, “you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream.” “Oh, and Henry,” she said, “you know that blow job you always wanted?” as she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..</span>
St Peters NSW 1970
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:
“Tarzan not know sex!” He replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said. “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!”
Horrified, she said. “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!”
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here!” She said. “You must put it in here!”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.
Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
I love my job as an anesthetist.Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly.
