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A bloke from India has moved in next door to me, he says hes has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears, climbed the highest mountains and eats vindaloo. It comes as no surprise he`s name is Bin dair Dundat!!
I took a scenic flight over Liverpool yesterday it was my first time in an aeroplane.
And we were heading towards New Brighton when the pilot had a heart attack and died.
So I got on the radio and told someone that the pilot was dead and he asked me what was happening with the plane?
I said we are flying towards New Brighton and it’s my first time in a plane and its flying upside down.
He said if it’s your first time in a plane how do you know it’s upside down?<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
I said because the shit is coming out of my collar!!!</span>
It’s with great sadness I have to inform all my family n friends that in the early hours of this morning my much loved turkey has passed away.
Due to the coronavirus situation the funeral will be at mine around 12.30 /1pm on the 25 December .
As we have a limit of 30 at present including the turkey please let me know ASAP who will be attending. Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply.
No flowers please if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and aunt bessie’s Yorkshire puddings will do .
Please note starters and puddings are already sorted. Also some alcohol will be greatly appreciated!
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva L<span class=”text_exposed_show”>a France” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.</span>BREAKING NEWS:
As of Monday all postmen will be working from home. They’ll be reading your letters and call you if it’s anything important!!..
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young <span class=”text_exposed_show”>
looking and vibrant. </span>After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.’The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’
She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.’
Why Teachers Drink……………………
The following questions were set in last year’s school exam. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds):
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
(wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head!!..The Queen hosted a garden party yesterday attended by Prince Andrew,Andrew approached the Cake Stand and was asked if he would like to try a Brownie..???He politely declined.But said,*“If there’s a Girl Guide going spare, he’ll have one of them instead!!”
I went to the tattoo artist and asked if he could do me a tattoo of a beautiful woman?He said: “No problem sir….where would you like it?”Me: “On the wife’s face!!”
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been marriedOn and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, …………..But I fish on Fridays!!56 Chev 3100
