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Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,“My name is Mick and I’m an alcoholic?”Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.”They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.She said to me, “Have you got a nickname?”l said, “Yes, my mates call me ‘the sledge.'”She giggled and said, ‘Is that because you’re a smooth ride?”l said, “No, it’s because l always get pulled by dogs!!” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and just cover your own !!!
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
My wife told me she’s leaving me because I’m such a miserable bastardNow that’s cheered me up immensely
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‟Ask him where the money is!”The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ‟Where‘s the money?”Guido signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.”The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido‘s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!”The lawyer signs to Guido, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.”Guido trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno‘s house.”The Godfather asks the lawyer, ‟What did he say?”The lawyer replies, ‟He says you don‘t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Definition of a backhanded compliment: Your wife telling you, “Nobody makes love to me the way you do.”</span>
At this time of year, I carry a stone when I go shopping. It’s for throwing at people who play or sing Christmas songs too early. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock. Sits nicely next to my ding a ling.<span id=”jsc_c_i5″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
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With Christmas fast approaching I was wondering if anybody still believes in Santa?I remember the day my parents told me Santa didn’t exist. I was so upset I got in my car and drove straight to the pub !
Looks and sounds awesome IJ, you must have a big smile on your face.
