Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Sure, you can get your wife jewellery or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!..</span>
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span id=”jsc_c_x5″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning. Finally she spoke up; ‘You’ve forgotten our anniversary again, haven’t you?’ I replied, ‘Of course not! I’m wearing black, am I not?'</span>
Two dyslexic skiers stood at top of a mountain:One says. “I’m gonna zag zig down now.”The other says. “It’s not zag zig its zig zag.”They argue for a while then one says. “Let’s ski down and ask that bloke down there.”They reach him. “Excuse me mate, is it zig zag down the mountain or zag zig?”He answers. “Don’t ask me, I’m a tobogganist.”“Oh.” They say. “Well give us 20 Benson & Hedges and a box of matches then! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, “First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level.”
I laughed and said, “Do you really think I’m that flamin stupid?”
“What do you mean ?” He sniggered.
I said, “That lot is going to cost more than a fiver.”
<article>Tried a new Chinese restaurant last night, the meal was terrible so I decided to complain. A fat little man came up to me
‘You complain about food? I am Fook Hing The Head Chef’
Well in that case, give him one for me as that meal was s**te, I replied!!..</article>
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”She says, “My mom died.”He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I bet Eric Clapton only said to his missus “You look wonderful tonight” because she’d tried 25 dresses on already and he was gagging for a pint!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span></span>A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”The Indian Doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!”The Chinese Businessman called out “Move it, time is money”The Catholic Priest said, “Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”“Hello, George!”, said the Catholic Priest, “What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”George the greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic Priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”The Indian Doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”The Chinese Businessman replied, “I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls”The Aussie said, “Why can’t they play at night?”A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging India.However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare thereon.The taxi driver replied it is Rs.10,000/-The Chinese was shell shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted “are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?”To this the taxi bro replied calmly,“Sir, …..THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My grandson bet me he could make a piece of paper fly farther than I could, so he spent the next 10 minutes making the fanciest airplane I’ve ever seen. You should have seen the look on his face when I crumpled my piece of paper into a ball and launched it across the room!……Sucks to be a loser!</span>
The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:
“In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:
“Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?”…
Job Vacancy <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Because there are only 7 weeks until it’s Christmas I’m looking for a good shoplifter. Must be reliable and be able to follow instructions also have at least 2 years experience. Needs to start straight away. Cash on delivery. No time wasters please!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My brother couldn’t get his head around my mother’s reaction to his pet name for her.. mind you, the “Screaming Skull” was never gonna go down well..that’s when he learned she could boomerang a shoe with the skill of an aborigine</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”</span>
I have no luck with women, even the bouncers at my local nightclub call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I went to my Barber,sat on the chair and said “I want you to make me look drop dead gorgeous” My Barber looked at me,without a word opened a drawer,took out a glass and a bottle,of Vodka poured some into a glass and she started to drink ..<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span></span>Cheeky little feckers round here! A young lad just knocked my door and said, “Trick or Treat?” I said, ”And what have you come as?” He said, “A werewolf.” I said, “but you haven’t got a costume on, you’re just in normal clothes.” He said, “Well it’s not a full moon yet is it dickhead.”
