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Teacher : Who is the President ofIraq ?Me : I don’t know MissTeacher : You need to focus more onyour studies.Me : Please Miss, can I ask aquestion ?Teacher : Yes.Me : Do U know Angela ?Teacher : No, why ?Me : You need to focus more on your husband…!
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.“Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing – being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I crashed my car this morning on the motorway and had to leave it on the hard shoulder. I phoned up my insurance company and the woman on the phone asked, “Are you in the AA?” I said, “No, but I am concerned I’ve been drinking too much.”</span>
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, “Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”
A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, “Do you want to earn $5000 right away?”
The driver excitedly said, “What do I have to do?”
“Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here’s a picture of her.”
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
And the husband says to him, “This is not my wife.”
The driver replied, “Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I’m going for yours!”
The teacher was telling the kids about the Birds and the Bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest in Heaven.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher,
“Are you sure about the Stork bit, Miss..?
“Cos I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ Shag in Scarborough!!
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>One Sunday morning, my wife and I were having a nice quiet breakfast when I suddenly said to her, ” When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately.”. ” Now why would you want me to do that my dear,” she replied. “Well, I figured a woman as fine as yourself would remarry one day, and I’d hate some other asshole using some of my stuff.” She looked at me intently and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole.?</span>
Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA.“I wish I could be shot into space,” he said.“You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother!
I just rang alcohol anonymous…..I Told them I was worried I didn’t have enough beer in the fridge.
They’re quite rude, aren’t they…?
