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Boris johnson – “Some parts of Britain there are 3 generations of families where nobody has ever worked..He’s either referring to Buckingham Palace or Liverpool…!
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said “Have a good day, son”“Don’t call me son. You are not my dad”, I replied sarcasticallyAs the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?
Yes great insurance with the trunnion kit, much safer than those small pesky needle rollers!
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id” dir=”auto”>Pat and Mick were crossing the bog on their way home from cutting turf, when they found three hand grenades on the heather. “Careful there Mick,” says pat. We will bring them to the Guards and let them look after them. Mind how you handle them or they could explode.” Mick asks, “Supposing one of them exploded, what would we do?” “Arrah “, says pat, “We’ll tell them we only found two.”</span>
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:“I would like to put my name in the hat for the forthcoming electionsto be an Independent candidate.The receptionist replied, “Certainly sir Please fill out this form.”He was filling the form until he came to the question, ”Are you circumcised?”So he asked the receptionist “Is that question necessary?”She replied, “If you are circumcised you are not eligible”.He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?She replied, “To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick”
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife was shopping in the ladies’ petite section and she found everything that fit her ! No surprise really, we were on holiday in an American Wal-Mart.</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’… so she socked me a good one”. The first guy replied “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’ but I accidentally said ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.</span>
A queue waiting for a job on a building site.The foreman at the desk shouts ‘Next!’ A man steps forwards.‘Name!’ asks the foreman.‘Marks N Spencer’ says the man.‘I’ve got no time for clowns’ says the foreman. ‘. Next!’The next in line steps forward.‘Name!’ again asks the foreman.‘W H Smith’ says the man.‘I told you, no clowns! Next!’Next in the queue steps forwards.‘Name!’‘T J Hughes!’‘I haven’t got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!’Next man steps forwards.‘Name!’‘Ken’ says the man.‘Ah, that’s better’ says the foreman. ‘Someone serious at last. What’s your surname?’And the man says ‘Tuckyfriedchicken!’
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time’s sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, “How am I doing?”The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”“Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?”She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, “I’m afraid that you need to get a new dish washer.”
I said to myself, “That’s a strange way to break up with someone.”
