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The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!I went round to complain, but they’re not in…and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Paddy wanted to start a chicken farm, so he went to the dealer and brought 100 chickens.A month later he went back to the dealer because the first lot of chickens had died and brought 100 more.Again another month later he went back because the 2nd lot had died also, upon purchasing the 3rd lot, Paddy said“You know I think I know where I’m going wrong” …..‘I think I’m planting them too deep’. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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</span>A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.” Then she got up and left.The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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</span>I just called My wife and told her I’ve accidentally chopped my finger off!“The whole finger?” She asked.“No thank god, the one next to it!” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>A motor cycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something painfully pulling at his pubic hairs .Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and his entire private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford sedan you booked for speeding last week for only doing 3 kph over the limit.”Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?<span class=”item muted”><abbr class=”DateTime” title=”Dec 6, 2021 at 04:48″ data-time=”1638726500″ data-diff=”0″ data-datestring=”Dec 6, 2021″ data-timestring=”04:48″> </abbr></span>
<article>Rang up work this morning..
“My wife passed away in the early hours.” I told them. “I’m going to need some time off work.”
“Oh dear, sorry for your loss.” The receptionist said. “And of course, we understand. Take as much time off as you need.”
“Thank you.” I replied. “It’ll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself.”</article>
So a doctor’s toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber.The plumber said: “It’s early hours of the morning can’t it wait?” The doc said: “If you were ill I’d have to come out”.The plumber said: “Fair enough” and called at the docs.He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said “Give it a few days and if it’s still the same give me a call”. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span id=”jsc_c_18h” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.I asked him if it was working ok….He said, “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling!”Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’‘So then?’ asked the doctor.‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’‘So then?’ asked the doctor.‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.<span id=”jsc_c_yp” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>My good deed done for today.I was at Aldi this morning and I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her shopping came to £47.76 but when she counted her money she only had just under £40. I thought that she was probably someone’s gran and id like to think that someone would have helped my gran when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all we had all her groceries back on the shelves! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,
“What’s the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”
He answered,
“Ammonia cleaner.”
I said,
“Oh sorry, my mistake – I thought you were the pharmacist…”🤪🤣The Mafia have decided to update it’s operations
to keep up with internet trading.
Their 1st venture is called PayUpPal.Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”<span id=”jsc_c_5mj” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife joined us in the pub garden and gestured toward our son. “Why’s he crying?” “He let go of his balloon and it floated away.” “Ok… And why are you crying?” “I knocked over my pint when I tried to grab it.</span>
In the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job, dyed her hair and finally a facelift.Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always,“You’re not the man I married.”….<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Had a checkup last week Doctor said ” Do you drink much”
I said “the odd pint why”He said “your urine sample had a head on itA blonde walks into a chemist and purchases a pack of condoms. “That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk….“What are the eight cents for?” asks the blonde. “It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”“Tax,” replies the clerk.“Gee,” says the blonde, “I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put.”I decided that the best way to sort our marriage problems was to have a relaxing week in the sunshine.Hopefully when I get back she will have calmed down!!..My mate said, “It’s me and the wife’s 10th anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together.”“Sounds good to me mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?”
