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Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, “Paddy, I need a favour – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”
Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick’s lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy what are you really up to with all this?”
Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, “I’m sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”
The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy’s shoulder, said “Paddy I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says grandpa.“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” grandpa says with a big smile.“There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”“There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!”“And there’s a physician here — 90 years old. He hasn’t been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”“And me……, I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘The F’ing Mexican’ !
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches.
He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man?”
“Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his arse.”My two friends Ed and Neil have just opened a chiropractors clinic and they specialise in certain body parts.Ed’s shoulders, Neils on toes!!..
I was eating an ice-cream in town yesterday when I noticed a lad with a bright pink mohican and Sex Pistols tattoos about to go into the bookies. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I shouted at him to stop.When he looked round, I pointed my Magnum at him and said, “You’ve got to ask yourself one question… Do you feel lucky, punk?”
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.54 Mercury
WHY?• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?• Why is a boxing ring square?• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?• Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?• Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?• Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?I didn’t want to buy a hammock, but the salesman was very persuasive,
I’m easily swayed!!..
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>There’s a gang going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they’re still at large…</span>
My wife finally passed her driving test at the 11th attempt,I had said I would get her something cheap to run around in if she did, so i bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi
