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The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife.It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty f++king stadium!
Some woman pulled up outside my garage and I said, “your timing is off love.”“You can tell that without looking under the bonnet??”“No, we’re closed.”
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three-pound live lobsters – one in each hand.It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well me Laddie I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!”The fisherman says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.”The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?”“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.”So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?”The fisherman says “What For?”The Fisheries Officer says, ” To call in the Lobsters”The fisherman says, ” What Lobsters?”
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard Paddy, her husband’s key in the door:
“Stay where you are.” She said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Paddy lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
Paddy turned to his wife. “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted.” Said the wife. “Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four.
Aye, you’re feckin right.”I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me 2 things
(1) It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet
(2) People get really pissed off when you fry eggs on their car!
So many patient complaints since I built a huge house in the main Hospital ward.
They don’t like my bedside Manor!
Did you know this about Albert Einstein?
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 138, if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa “because she was so well endowed”.
(i.e., “Gigundo Mammaries!”)
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as…….Einstein’s Theory of RelativeTitty.”.. 10 posts? no pics?
NFI Smitty, looks good from my place.
I have announced that on 29th July I will be opening up a nightclub called “The Cemetery”People will be dying to get in there.
My wife just woken up from a coma and thinks it’s 2005. Which is great news. That’s two years before i met her!
Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever seen.She danced up to me and said “Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?”I said “My glasses.”
