CommodoresPlus

I’m sure that my little brother is a drug addict.
How do I know?
Well, we were discussing comedy yesterday. I asked him for his best lines and he gave me a rolled up £20 note!

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife:…[Read more]

People accuse me of being pretentious because I’m rich.
Anyway, I asked the person who I hired to pour my whisky, “Where’s the cigarette lighter?”
He replied, “You gave him the day off, sir.”

Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon…
Fair play to the fella, I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!!

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker…[Read more]

Two boys arguing.
“My dad’s better than your dad” says one.
“No, my dad’s better. He won the darts championship last week” says the other.
“Ok” says the first, “but my mam’s better than yours”
“Yeah” says the other. “My dad says the same”

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
“It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!” said my wife.
“And Sir?” said the waiter. “How did you find the pork belly?”
“Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday.”

Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ”Thieves Operate Here”…
Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on…[Read more]