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An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse, he’s been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, “Maybe, but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation:

“I now pronounce you man and wife.”

<span class=”_4yxo”>This Virus must have hit India hard. I’ve not had a single phone call in a week about a car accident I havent been in!</span>

I was telling the wife “My mum loved me so much when I was a child that she would say a prayer for me every night..!”

The wife asked “What did she say in her prayer…?”

I said “Thank Christ the little fuker’s in bed…!”

OK…So all football suspended.so for a change i started talking to my wife and found out she got made redundant from WOOLWORTHS.

The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee.

When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?”

“I carried you…[Read more]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hop…[Read more]

I once bought a wooden car.

Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

 
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I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. “Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?” he asked. “A bit, now and then,” I replied, “but I only sell to friends.” So as well as three points I’m looking at three months.

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Jake’s wife is suffering from depression. She phoned him the other day and said “I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help”…….So he sent her a timetable

Two women are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says:

“My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.” The other replies, “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?” I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?