CommodoresPlus

Ffs even the church is charging for parking now its pray and display

It was my wife’s birthday and she looked at the gift I got her and fumed, “What the hell is this ?” “Sorry, sorry,” I stammered nervously, “I know you talked about maybe finally trying to lose weight, so to help you track your progress I got you some scales !” “I know that !” she stormed… “But this one is meant to weigh livestock !

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I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a…

[Read more]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it??
Jane: You can get them at any…[Read more]

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.
“Don’t worry,” i said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right nurse?”
“Yes,” said the nurse…[Read more]

The missus said, “If I ever got alzheimers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me…”
I said, “That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today babe!!

My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn’t even know he was training to be a gynaecologist!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me…[Read more]

God created Adam and said, “I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?”
Adam replied, “I would like a sandwich,”
to which God then created Eve!!..

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….”
Mommy tells him to slow…[Read more]

Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender,
“Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little
woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Rick replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch. What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap…I said, “I’m not falling for…[Read more]

AIDS WARNING!

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you……

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV

(Hair is Vanishing)

I went to the doctor and asked, “What’s the best exercise to lose weight?”
He said, “Just shake your head.”
I said, “How often?”
He says, “Every time someone offers you food you fat bastard.”

I think my wife is seeing someone else.. She just asked If I wanted some Pepsi max!..
My name is Steve!!..

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!” I said, “$200 and it’s yours”

Boss rang me this morning.
Boss: Where are you?
Me: I’m on the bus heading towards Worthing
Boss: Why are you on a bus heading to Worthing ??
Me: When I finished work yesterday, you told me to ” Be in Brighton early tomorrow “.

I was late for work yesterday and the boss called me into his office.
“Why were you late?” he asked.
“I nearly choked to death,” I replied.
“You nearly died?” he said.
“Yeah, it was my own silly fault though. I’m alright now.”
“Well, in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning. I hope you’ve learnt something from that though,” he said…[Read more]