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Helping my neighbour move some stuff this morning and I accidentally dropped his glass chess set breaking most of the pieces… With that I offered to pay for it and he asked how I was going to pay… I said cheque mate…

I went to see my Therapist today,She said todays letter is N, tell me something beginning with N that you are no good at ? I said Spelling,,

65 Plymouth Baracuda

I was explaining to the wife when you die you could be reincarnated but must be a different creature. She said she’d like to come back as a cow. I replied, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
“The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says.
The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.
“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.

I went to a catholic school in Ireland when I was young the brothers who ran the school didn’t like to teach sex education they had a more ‘hands on’ approach

My grandfather always used to say “When I was a lad you could leave your doors open”. That’s probably the reason his submarine sank

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
“What are these little round things?” I asked.
“Have you never seen a chick-pea before?” she said.
“Of course I have. My last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese…[Read more]

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug…[Read more]