CommodoresPlus

Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn’t working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was….

The husband replied, “In the five weeks that we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing, she contradicts everything I say”….

The judge turned to the wife: “Have you anything to…[Read more]

My best mate at school was born with with 14 fingers and 18 toes. whenever I struggled at maths I could always count on him.

I think my local garage is ripping me off, does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I Had the police knocking on my door at 3am this morning.. They said “we’re looking for a man with one eye”.. I said, “use them both, u’ll find him…[Read more]

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” he asked. “Nope,” Jimmy replied. “Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked. “…Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?” “No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other…[Read more]

I discovered that by answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.
Oh here’s 2 more………
Dressed as coppers!!..

I was serving this smug git in a suit in Burger King when he asked, “So, do you enjoy your job then?”
“Yeah, it’s ok,” I replied.
He said, “I’m designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place.”
“Yeah? Good luck teaching it how to spit,” I said, handing over his burger!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l…[Read more]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…” “C’mon man…. give it a try… ” She says.
Old man says okay. They go in. The moment…[Read more]

Could the parents of the little girl who fell in the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes

“Do anything nice at the weekend?” asked the blonde bird at work today.
“Yip, we saw James Bond at the cinema” I replied.
“Oh ,cool!” she said, “What was he watching?” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>

A mother in law said to her son’s wife when their baby was born:
“I don’t mean to be rude, but he doesn’t look anything like my son.”
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
“I don’t mean to be rude either, but this is not a f’n photo-copier.”

<span id=”jsc_c_jy” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>People complaining that there’s Christmas stuff in the shops already. That’s nothing – our local Asda is selling birthday cards, and mine is not till fec…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>“Have you had an accident in the last three years?” they ask… “You could claim compensation…” they continue. I phoned Claims Direct expecting to be p…[Read more]

Paddy and Murphy, we’re going back to Paddy’s house, after leaving the pub.
3am they arrive at the door, greeted by Paddy’s wife, with a rolling pin in her hand.
Murphy says. “One hell of a woman you’ve got there. Not many women would be up, baking at this time of the morning.”

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My mate just lost his job as a stool analyser. I have to help him financially especially after all the shit he’s just been through!!.. </span>

“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.
The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real prick.”

I said to the checkout girl, “Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?”
“No, they haven’t,” she smiled.
“Well ” I said, “there’s always tomorrow.”

I’ve just hit a course record of 63 on my local golf course..
Now for the second hole!!..

My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven’t seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,’ said Mick. ‘He wrote to say he’ll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.’
‘If he’s been away that long,’ asked Sean, ‘how will you recognise him?’
‘I won’t,’ reasoned Mick. ‘But he’ll recognise me cos I’ve never been away at all..

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”