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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?” <span…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning. Finally she spoke up; ‘You’ve forgotten our anniversary again, haven’t you?’ I replied,…[Read more]

Two dyslexic skiers stood at top of a mountain:

One says. “I’m gonna zag zig down now.”

The other says. “It’s not zag zig its zig zag.”

They argue for a while then one says. “Let’s ski down and ask that bloke down there.”

They reach him. “Excuse me mate, is it zig zag down the mountain or zag zig?”

He answers. “Don’t ask me, I’m…[Read more]

What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.

I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, “First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level.”
I laughed and said, “Do you really think I’m that flamin stupid?”
“What do you mean ?” He sniggered.
I said, “That lot is going to cost more…[Read more]

 
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Tried a new Chinese restaurant last night, the meal was terrible so I decided to complain. A fat little man came up to me
‘You complain about food? I am Fook Hing The Head Chef’
Well in that case, give him one for me as that meal was s**te, I replied!!..

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A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mom died.”
He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”
She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I bet Eric Clapton only said to his missus “You look wonderful tonight” because she’d tried 25 dresses on already and he was gagging for a pint!!.. <span…[Read more]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The Indian Doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor…[Read more]

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My grandson bet me he could make a piece of paper fly farther than I could, so he spent the next 10 minutes making the fanciest airplane I’ve ever seen.…[Read more]

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:

“In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and…[Read more]

Job Vacancy <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf…[Read more]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My brother couldn’t get his head around my mother’s reaction to his pet name for her.. mind you, the “Screaming Skull” was never gonna go down…[Read more]

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says “how about now…[Read more]

I have no luck with women, even the bouncers at my local nightclub call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I went to my Barber,sat on the chair and said “I want you to make me look drop dead gorgeous” My Barber looked at me,without a word opened a drawer,took…[Read more]

Cheeky little feckers round here! A young lad just knocked my door and said, “Trick or Treat?” I said, ”And what have you come as?” He said, “A werewolf.” I said, “but you haven’t got a costume on, you’re just in normal clothes.” He said, “Well it’s not a full moon yet is it dickhead.”

<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was in my car the wife rang and said where are you, I said im on the M6 heading for Liverpool,She said be careful its just been on the news some idiot…[Read more]