CommodoresPlus

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said…”I died of cancer”
The second man said…”I died of tuberculosis”
The third man said… “I died of seenus”
The first two men asked…”Don’t you mean sinus?”
The third man said…”NO, I mean SEENUS”. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he senus !!

One day my girlfriend sent me a text..
“I think we should break up”
I was devastated, but then she sent another one saying..
“Ignore that, sent it to the wrong person”
Imagine my relief?

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells “Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph”. Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for…[Read more]

47 Caddy

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and the longer it’s in the stronger it gets?
Tea.

Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, “Paddy, I need a favour – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”
Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick’s lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all…[Read more]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.

“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and…[Read more]

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches.
He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle.
Tell…[Read more]

My two friends Ed and Neil have just opened a chiropractors clinic and they specialise in certain body parts.
Ed’s shoulders, Neils on toes!!..

I was eating an ice-cream in town yesterday when I noticed a lad with a bright pink mohican and Sex Pistols tattoos about to go into the bookies. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I shouted at him to stop.
When he looked round, I pointed my Magnum at him and said, “You’ve got to ask yourself one question… Do you feel lucky, punk?”

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he…[Read more]