CommodoresPlus

Been a while, though I see IJ never has returned!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” so…[Read more]

A man who is a train conductor murders 5 people.

He is sentenced to die in the electric chair.

A few years later, his day has come and he’s asked what he wants for his last meal.

“A dozen bananas”, he says.

The man sits and eats 12 bananas one by one.

Shortly after, he is strapped in to the electric chair and when the switch is…[Read more]

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it.
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4…[Read more]

A nun went into an off licence and asked for a bottle of whisky.
“Whisky?”, the assistant asked, “I thought you nuns didn’t drink!”
“We don’t”, the nun replied, “This is for the Mother Superiors constipation!”
She bought the whisky and left.
Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench.
“I thought that was for…[Read more]

I took 2 of those new sleeping tablets that I bought online but they had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever, what a waste of money.
Anyway I have to go, need to do some last minute Christmas shopping!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d…[Read more]

Just been round my Gran’s and opened our presents.
.
My 5-year old son got a bottle of Jack Daniels, lucky bastard!!..
.
I got Spider Man pyjamas which are way too small for me!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5…[Read more]

Some differences between American and UK English.
You say jelly we say jam. You say Jell-O we say jelly . You say chips we say crisps. You say fries we say chips. You say garbage we say rubbish. You say freeway we say motorway. You say gas we say petrol You say President we say bumbling fat incompetent dickhead.

A 75 Year Old Man talking to his penis,
We were born together , grown up together , enjoyed life together ,
Why did u die before me ?

Wasn’t paying my wife much attention , as it was her birthday I decided I would give her a ring , that started another row Because I rang her from the pub.

She stood outside the door, her suitcase down by her side, as I pleaded with her one last time…
“Don’t leave me, darling! Don’t throw away all those years we’ve shared together”
“It’s too late!” she replied, “you’ve insulted me for the last time”
And with that she turned, picked up her suitcase, and wobbled out of my life forever!!.. <span…[Read more]

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour “What’s that machine?”
“That’s the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it’s 99.5% accurate. It’s controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more…[Read more]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a Breaking morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He…[Read more]

Tim used to get a box of raisins in his lunch every day.
And every day, Bob one of his classmates would bother Tim.
“Hey, Tim, gimme somma your raisins.”
Bob would go on and on until Tim gave Bob some raisins.
One day Tim had a small lunch and was really hungry and told Bob to forget it. Bob grabbed for the raisins and they spilled out onto the…[Read more]

My grandad turned 81 last week and I’m livid. Nobody’s really celebrating though, after my grandad said “It’s just another day. Like, what’s another year?”
I’ll tell ya.
A bloody long time when you’re waiting for your inheritance!!..

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?’
‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s…[Read more]

My 8 year old grandson just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,”Grandaaaaad, Grandaaaad, don’t get me a bike for Christmas.” I said, “Why ?”
He said, “I just found one behind the wardrobe.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span…[Read more]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle– which no longer works– and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are…[Read more]

Pat and Mick were playing bingo. Pat kept looking over Micks shoulder saying “You’ve got that number mark if off, you’ve got that number mark it off” After putting up with this for some time Mick got annoyed and said “Why don’t you do your own sheet”? – Pat replied “I can’t its full”!!!!!!!!…lol

<span id=”jsc_c_g0″ class=”bp9cbjyn…[Read more]

My mate Cameron just told his wife that he had sex with another woman..
She said, “Can you please repeat that for me..”
He said, “Sure, I’m seeing her again tomorrow night…!”