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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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<span style=”font-family: arial;”>A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and
an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent
had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending
you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no
for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was
that old guy I had to share the room with?”</span>On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: “If you’re going as a sour-puss, I’m going as a dictator.”
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!”
A Chinese couple gets married — and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
“My darring” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan …… numba 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled one he queries……… “You want… Beef wif Broccori.I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
Our family were so poor, I remember one christmas I got a empty Action Man box,, I said whats this dad ? He said an Action Man Deserter,,
There’s a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says ‘there’s plenty more of that where I come from’.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says ‘there’s plenty more of those where I come from’.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train…..
The definition ‘Bravery’
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys…..
Then…..being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And still having the guts to ask:
“Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?”
Nigel Farrage, former leader of the UK Independence Party, was involved in plane crash when an Election Day stunt went wrong.
Air accident investigators have discovered the cause.
Apparently the plane had two right wings..
Man kneeling by his bed, wife says
“What are you praying for?”
Husband says “Guidance”
Wife says “Pray for stiffness and I’ll guide it myself!”
The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America’s health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.I remember when in the good old days the hardest thing about having a baby was choosing a name. Nowadays, it’s choosing a gender.
A Brave Husband
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
I was playing football for my local pub team last Sunday, when the ref started handing out cards left, right and centre.
Silly bastard…Christmas isn’t for another month yet.
Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, “Was the patient really that bad?”
Richard said, “No, I just didn’t want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this.”Knowing Your Wife
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
The Super Salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. “Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” the manager at the office replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!”
“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”
He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
“How in the world did you do that?” the manager asked.
“I told you, I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!”
“Did you get a urine sample?” the manager asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, “Here’s Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”
“That’s good,” the manager said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”
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