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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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A woman’s husband dies. He had only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?”
The widow says, “Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went to the memorial stone.”
The friend says, “$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”
Extending her left hand, the widow says, “Three and a half carats”.
Three men were discussing their wives. “My wife tells me I’m so distinguished,” said the first, “that I look like an ambassador.”
“Well,” replied the second. “My wife tells me I’m so intelligent-I’m the best-read man she has ever met.”
“My wife’s proud of me too,” said the third. “Everytime a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,’My husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”
John just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.
“What about my sex life?” asked John. “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?”
“Only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks. “They’ll grow larger over a period of years” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?”
He shrugged and replied “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
He lived……… and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, “I’m really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I’ll hang out with you for a week”. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says “OK, OK, if you kiss me, I’ll be your girlfriend for a week”. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, “Turn me back into a princess and I’ll be your girlfriend for a whole year!”. The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, “What’s wrong with you? I’ve promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won’t even kiss a frog?”
“I’m a programmer,” he replies. “I don’t have time for girls…. But a talking frog is pretty neat.”
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef.
He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.” The owner replied, “He’s not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!”
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! ” The lion answers, “That little fukker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
His mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. “Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
His father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to “work late” and she said, “no problem.”
After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, “Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!”
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, “That’s nothing, look at what he did to my tits!”
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
“Oh,” I said, “So now you’re speaking to me.”
He looked confused,
“What are you talking about?”
“Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?” I challenged.
“No,” he said, “I just thought we were getting along.”
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, “Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?”
The other replies, “Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777
Just catching up on these. The programmer and frog one is gold!!
Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of them. Mark said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s great!”
Not to be out done, Benny said, “That’s nothing. My wife simply worships me…”
Confused Mark asked, “She worships you? C’mon, what makes you say that?”
“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”
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