This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 12 months ago.
-
Posts
-
My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.I asked him if it was working ok….He said, “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling!”So a doctor’s toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber.The plumber said: “It’s early hours of the morning can’t it wait?” The doc said: “If you were ill I’d have to come out”.The plumber said: “Fair enough” and called at the docs.He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said “Give it a few days and if it’s still the same give me a call”. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span id=”jsc_c_18h” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”item muted”><abbr class=”DateTime” title=”Dec 6, 2021 at 04:48″ data-time=”1638726500″ data-diff=”0″ data-datestring=”Dec 6, 2021″ data-timestring=”04:48″> </abbr></span>
<article>Rang up work this morning..
“My wife passed away in the early hours.” I told them. “I’m going to need some time off work.”
“Oh dear, sorry for your loss.” The receptionist said. “And of course, we understand. Take as much time off as you need.”
“Thank you.” I replied. “It’ll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself.”</article>
A motor cycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something painfully pulling at his pubic hairs .Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and his entire private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford sedan you booked for speeding last week for only doing 3 kph over the limit.”Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?I just called My wife and told her I’ve accidentally chopped my finger off!“The whole finger?” She asked.“No thank god, the one next to it!” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.” Then she got up and left.The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Paddy wanted to start a chicken farm, so he went to the dealer and brought 100 chickens.A month later he went back to the dealer because the first lot of chickens had died and brought 100 more.Again another month later he went back because the 2nd lot had died also, upon purchasing the 3rd lot, Paddy said“You know I think I know where I’m going wrong” …..‘I think I’m planting them too deep’. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!I went round to complain, but they’re not in…and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>My mate Cameron just told his wife that he had sex with another woman..She said, “Can you please repeat that for me..”He said, “Sure, I’m seeing her again tomorrow night…!”Pat and Mick were playing bingo. Pat kept looking over Micks shoulder saying “You’ve got that number mark if off, you’ve got that number mark it off” After putting up with this for some time Mick got annoyed and said “Why don’t you do your own sheet”? – Pat replied “I can’t its full”!!!!!!!!…lol<span id=”jsc_c_g0″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle– which no longer works– and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.“What are you doing” she asked.“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun!”My 8 year old grandson just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,”Grandaaaaad, Grandaaaad, don’t get me a bike for Christmas.” I said, “Why ?”He said, “I just found one behind the wardrobe.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span id=”jsc_c_hy” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?’‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered.The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.’‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied.‘We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!’My grandad turned 81 last week and I’m livid. Nobody’s really celebrating though, after my grandad said “It’s just another day. Like, what’s another year?”I’ll tell ya.A bloody long time when you’re waiting for your inheritance!!..Tim used to get a box of raisins in his lunch every day.And every day, Bob one of his classmates would bother Tim.“Hey, Tim, gimme somma your raisins.”Bob would go on and on until Tim gave Bob some raisins.One day Tim had a small lunch and was really hungry and told Bob to forget it. Bob grabbed for the raisins and they spilled out onto the floor.Tim was livid and saved the box.That night Tim filled the raisin box with rabbit droppings and glued the lid shut so that it looked like a new raisin box.The next day Bob came around as usual “Hey, Tim, gimme somma your raisins.”Tim threw the box full of rabbit droppings to Bob.Bob greedily ripped open the box and poured a few into his hand.Bob notices the unusual appearance and says: “These dont look like raisins.”Tim smiles and says: “Those are smart pills”.Bob eats a few and says: “They taste like shit”.Tim says: “See? They are working already”A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.At a Breaking morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philandererIsosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.“When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would havegiven us more fingers and toes.”White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.I asked the guy taking the tour “What’s that machine?”“That’s the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it’s 99.5% accurate. It’s controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop,” he boasted proudly.“What happens to the letters after it’s finished sorting them?” I asked.“We give them to a bloke on a push bike.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>She stood outside the door, her suitcase down by her side, as I pleaded with her one last time…“Don’t leave me, darling! Don’t throw away all those years we’ve shared together”“It’s too late!” she replied, “you’ve insulted me for the last time”And with that she turned, picked up her suitcase, and wobbled out of my life forever!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>Wasn’t paying my wife much attention , as it was her birthday I decided I would give her a ring , that started another row Because I rang her from the pub.
A 75 Year Old Man talking to his penis,
We were born together , grown up together , enjoyed life together ,
Why did u die before me ?
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
