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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an a–hole.One day Jesus and Moses were playing a round of Golf at the Heavenly Acres Golf Club.
They approached Hole number 9, which is a 200 yard hole with a large pond between the tee box and the green.
Moses stepped up first, lined up his shot, and took the safe route, landing on the fairway on the shore of the pond, well to the right of the hole.
Jesus stepped up, and said “You know, Tiger woods won the Masters on this same hole at Augusta, and he got it in in two strokes- by using his nine iron to go straight for the green… if Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”
So Jesus pulled out his nine iron, hit it and of course the ball plopped straight into the pond. Moses chuckled, then split the pond in half, so Jesus could walk down and get the ball.
Jesus returned the ball to the drop spot, and still weilding his nine iron said “If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I.” Predictably, the ball ended up in the pond again.
“Jesus, you’re on your own with this one.”
So Jesus began to walk across the pond to retrieve his ball.
With all this going on, another pair of golfers had caught up with them, and now were waiting for Jesus and Moses to finish up on the hole.
Upon seeing Jesus walking on the pond, one of the men said “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turned to him and said, “No, Tiger Woods.”Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
And, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for sending someone a valentine?
Susie’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to send a valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.
“I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to send Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then! … he’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Susie, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” says Susie. “And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”
A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leavi<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ng the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?”
The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?</span>These are from actual resumes:
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
RESUME BLOOPERS
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied ???when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that’s the money from selling the doilies
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Just catching up on these, they are good, love the bozone layer!!
A state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over,
walk to the side of the truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down the road the driver does the same thing.
A few more miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the driver to explain. The driver says, ???Well, the load limit is ten tons, and I’m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets , so Ive got to keep some of them flying around?-
This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Micks.
<span style=”font-size: 15px;”><b>A nun runs out of gas</b></span>
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas,
she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life.”
Three women are about to be executed. One”s a brunette, one”s a redhead, and one”s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
And the blonde yells,!!!” “FIRE
Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
Not my child, I go for the pic
Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. “If there aren’t many ducks out there, I’m not going hunting”.
The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there”
Earl says “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?”
Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says “I don’t believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?”
Chester says “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him”
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl’s leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”?
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg
The breeder says “Earl, dogs can’t talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f——g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.
After being married for thirty years….
a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly….then said, “You’re A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”She asks…… “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said….”Oh, that’s so
lovely…… What about I, J, K?”He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear,! in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day! you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like youA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
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