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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”She says, “My mom died.”He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”<article>
Tried a new Chinese restaurant last night, the meal was terrible so I decided to complain. A fat little man came up to me
‘You complain about food? I am Fook Hing The Head Chef’
Well in that case, give him one for me as that meal was s**te, I replied!!..
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I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, “First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level.”
I laughed and said, “Do you really think I’m that flamin stupid?”
“What do you mean ?” He sniggered.
I said, “That lot is going to cost more than a fiver.”
What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.Two dyslexic skiers stood at top of a mountain:One says. “I’m gonna zag zig down now.”The other says. “It’s not zag zig its zig zag.”They argue for a while then one says. “Let’s ski down and ask that bloke down there.”They reach him. “Excuse me mate, is it zig zag down the mountain or zag zig?”He answers. “Don’t ask me, I’m a tobogganist.”“Oh.” They say. “Well give us 20 Benson & Hedges and a box of matches then! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning. Finally she spoke up; ‘You’ve forgotten our anniversary again, haven’t you?’ I replied, ‘Of course not! I’m wearing black, am I not?'</span>
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span id=”jsc_c_x5″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Sure, you can get your wife jewellery or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!..</span>
My mate said, “It’s me and the wife’s 10th anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together.”“Sounds good to me mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?”I decided that the best way to sort our marriage problems was to have a relaxing week in the sunshine.Hopefully when I get back she will have calmed down!!..A blonde walks into a chemist and purchases a pack of condoms. “That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk….“What are the eight cents for?” asks the blonde. “It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”“Tax,” replies the clerk.“Gee,” says the blonde, “I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put.”Had a checkup last week Doctor said ” Do you drink much”
I said “the odd pint why”He said “your urine sample had a head on itIn the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job, dyed her hair and finally a facelift.Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always,“You’re not the man I married.”….<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife joined us in the pub garden and gestured toward our son. “Why’s he crying?” “He let go of his balloon and it floated away.” “Ok… And why are you crying?” “I knocked over my pint when I tried to grab it.</span>
Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”<span id=”jsc_c_5mj” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>The Mafia have decided to update it’s operations
to keep up with internet trading.
Their 1st venture is called PayUpPal.I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,
“What’s the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”
He answered,
“Ammonia cleaner.”
I said,
“Oh sorry, my mistake – I thought you were the pharmacist…”🤪🤣My good deed done for today.I was at Aldi this morning and I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her shopping came to £47.76 but when she counted her money she only had just under £40. I thought that she was probably someone’s gran and id like to think that someone would have helped my gran when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all we had all her groceries back on the shelves! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’‘So then?’ asked the doctor.‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’‘So then?’ asked the doctor.‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.<span id=”jsc_c_yp” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
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