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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
Paddy’s been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.
“I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded.
The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees.
The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
“Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.He had never missed a day and was never late.Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation.All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him,“I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway”“I Nearly killed myself….”And the boss said,“And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’<span id=”jsc_c_1yp” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>When I asked my Gran what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.”Well, we’ve just got back from the cemetery and she doesn’t seem too fucking happy.A junior high school in South Louisiana was recently faced with a unique problem.A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would remove the lipstick . . . and then the next day the girls would mess up the mirrors again.Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with Mr. Boudreaux. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, she asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven’t seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,’ said Mick. ‘He wrote to say he’ll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.’‘If he’s been away that long,’ asked Sean, ‘how will you recognise him?’‘I won’t,’ reasoned Mick. ‘But he’ll recognise me cos I’ve never been away at all..I’ve just hit a course record of 63 on my local golf course..
Now for the second hole!!..I said to the checkout girl, “Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?”“No, they haven’t,” she smiled.“Well ” I said, “there’s always tomorrow.”“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student.The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real prick.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My mate just lost his job as a stool analyser. I have to help him financially especially after all the shit he’s just been through!!.. </span>
Paddy and Murphy, we’re going back to Paddy’s house, after leaving the pub.3am they arrive at the door, greeted by Paddy’s wife, with a rolling pin in her hand.Murphy says. “One hell of a woman you’ve got there. Not many women would be up, baking at this time of the morning.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>“Have you had an accident in the last three years?” they ask… “You could claim compensation…” they continue. I phoned Claims Direct expecting to be passed on to a solicitor and a big cash payout, only to be told that drinking fifteen pints of real ale, before sneezing and following-through was ‘not an accident.’ But it’s not like I did it on purpose</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>People complaining that there’s Christmas stuff in the shops already. That’s nothing – our local Asda is selling birthday cards, and mine is not till feckin February!!.</span>
A mother in law said to her son’s wife when their baby was born:“I don’t mean to be rude, but he doesn’t look anything like my son.”The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:“I don’t mean to be rude either, but this is not a f’n photo-copier.”<span id=”jsc_c_jy” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>“Do anything nice at the weekend?” asked the blonde bird at work today.“Yip, we saw James Bond at the cinema” I replied.“Oh ,cool!” she said, “What was he watching?” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Could the parents of the little girl who fell in the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…” “C’mon man…. give it a try… ” She says.
Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight.
When he’s done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, “But you said you won’t be able to….” “…pay you.” completed the old man.
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