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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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God created Adam and said, “I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?”Adam replied, “I would like a sandwich,”to which God then created Eve!!..My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.I didn’t even know he was training to be a gynaecologist!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>The missus said, “If I ever got alzheimers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me…”I said, “That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today babe!!My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.“Don’t worry,” i said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right nurse?”“Yes,” said the nurse gagging, “But it’s usually the mother not the father!..”Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.Arlene: What in the hell is that?Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.Arlene: Where did you get it??Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy andannounces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’The pharmacist fainted!!.<span class=”item muted”> <abbr class=”DateTime” title=”Sep 17, 2021 at 05:24″ data-time=”1631820288″ data-diff=”87550″ data-datestring=”Sep 17, 2021″ data-timestring=”05:24″>
</abbr> </span><article>I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.
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It was my wife’s birthday and she looked at the gift I got her and fumed, “What the hell is this ?” “Sorry, sorry,” I stammered nervously, “I know you talked about maybe finally trying to lose weight, so to help you track your progress I got you some scales !” “I know that !” she stormed… “But this one is meant to weigh livestock !
Ffs even the church is charging for parking now its pray and display
Need some advice..I’ve been playing Gary Glitter rock and roll Christmas out loud, my neighbour said he was disgusted in me so I was wondering is it really too early for Christmas songs?.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span> and is it still ok to play cliff? <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>My wife is really beginning to annoy me.I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu…..Double whopper with cheese!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, “What superpower would you have if you could have any?”“Invisibility,” I replied.“I’m intrigued,” she went on. “What would you do if you were invisible?”“Sit here and watch the TV in feckin peace,” I replied!!.NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.Maybe it got married!!.So a man and a little boy entered a barbershop togetherThe man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.‘I’m going to buy a tie to wear for tonight’s party, alright?’ he asked. ‘I’ll be back in a few minutes.’‘Sure,’ the boy said.By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn’t returned.‘Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,’ the barber said.‘That wasn’t my dad,’ the boy said. ‘He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.’My girlfriend said last night “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance!!.One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”This fuel shortage is very worrying. Its been reported that some parents have had to walk for up to 5 whole minutes to take their children to school..
I woke up this morning and there was a great big strawberry growing on my nose,,went the doctors he said,,,,,,Ive got some cream for that,,,<article id=”js-XFUniqueId72″ class=”message-body js-selectToQuote”>After his father has run off with another lady the little boy tells his mummy that she should find a new boyfriend. She tells him she doesn’t need a boyfriend and that the television is her new boyfriend. She tells him that even though she has to bang it to get it going that when it gets going it keeps her happy for ages. Later that day the parish priest knocks at the door and the little boy answers it. The priest asks if his mummy is in to which the little boy replies. Yes she is but she is banging her boyfriend at the moment to get him going but once he gets going he will keep her happy for hours!!..
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything… He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up toanotherlion and says “What’s the food like here?”The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had ….Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!!We was enjoying our family holiday last week when my 12-year-old son said, “I wonder if the sea is cold, dad?”
“You’re just about to find out,” I laughed, picking him up and throwing him in.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” screamed my wife, as she stared at me in complete shock.
“It’s okay,” I replied, “He can swim.”
“Where to Steve? We’re on a flamin cruise ship!”
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