This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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Teacher: “If you had $1.50 and you asked your father for $2.50, how much would you have?”
Boy: “$1.50”.
Teacher: “You don’t know your maths very well”.
Boy: “No miss, you don’t know my father very feckin well”.Paddy was a very shy guy and goes into a bar in Dublin and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,Paddy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To which Paddy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean 200 Euros ?”Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out:He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing.He says. “Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?”Little Johnny says. “I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.”The principal says. “Well then, why are you laughing?”Little Johnny says. “Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air.”<span id=”jsc_c_p1″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all walking along together when they encounter a slide in front of a magic pool.The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down “Beer!” and lands in a pool of beer.The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out “Whiskey!”, and lands in a pool of whiskey.The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out “Weeeeeee!<span id=”jsc_c_108″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>Whats the difference between God & Bono… God doesnt get around thinking hes bono
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this drunk fat girl came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, “You’re kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?”I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”She said, “Yeah, I got a pen.”I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>More and more Afghan refugees are heading to the airport to flee the violence and the queues are hundreds deep. A government spokesman said today that after they were airlifted to Heathrow airport two weeks ago, they discovered that London was too violent for them and they demand safe passage back to Kabul..</span>
At a mental hospital :
Doctor: – What is this?
Patient: – This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.
Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?
Patient :- On the first page i wrote ‘One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle’.
And on the last page i wrote ‘The king reached the jungle’.
Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?
Patient:- I wrote;
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik…. tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik…
Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik
tigdik…
Doctor :- (stunned) And what’s that?
Patient :- That’s the sound of the horse running…The hooves digging the terrain.
Doctor:- And who will read your story?
Patient :- I will put it on internet plenty of people will definitely read it….. One of them is reading it as we speak!!..So a cafe advertised they could supply any dish so I went in and ordered an alligator claw sandwich topped with fried seagull wing sauce. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>“We can’t do that,” was the response.Me: “Why not?”Them: “We’ve run out of bread”After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the commuter train and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking on it in a loud voice.“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.”She continued, “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting with Kevin.”“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with Kevin, the boss.”“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life … Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking away loudly. When the man sitting next to her had finally had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,“Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”Sue no longer uses her cell phone in public!!It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.THEREFORE – It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit ….than to drink water and be full of it!!..I was late for work yesterday and the boss called me into his office.“Why were you late?” he asked.“I nearly choked to death,” I replied.“You nearly died?” he said.“Yeah, it was my own silly fault though. I’m alright now.”“Well, in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning. I hope you’ve learnt something from that though,” he said sternly.“Oh I have,” I said “I’ve learnt you should never try to look up a girl’s skirt on an escalator if you’re wearing a tie.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Boss rang me this morning.Boss: Where are you?Me: I’m on the bus heading towards WorthingBoss: Why are you on a bus heading to Worthing ??Me: When I finished work yesterday, you told me to ” Be in Brighton early tomorrow “.I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!” I said, “$200 and it’s yours”
I think my wife is seeing someone else.. She just asked If I wanted some Pepsi max!..
My name is Steve!!..I went to the doctor and asked, “What’s the best exercise to lose weight?”He said, “Just shake your head.”I said, “How often?”He says, “Every time someone offers you food you fat bastard.”AIDS WARNING!To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you……SENIOR CITIZENSARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!HEARING AIDSBAND AIDSROLL AIDSWALKING AIDSMEDICAL AIDSGOVERNMENT AIDSMOST OF ALL,MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!Not forgetting HIV(Hair is Vanishing)<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap…I said, “I’m not falling for that one again!”</span>
Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender,“Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the littlewoman.”“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”“When it was over,” Rick replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”“Really? Now that’s a switch. What did she say?”She said, “Come out from under the bed, you chicken-shit.”Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….”Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
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