This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
-
Posts
-
<article>
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite’
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’
The teacher fainted…</article>
A man is watching a movie on television with his wife.
The wife says, “That Angelina Jolie is very attractive?” The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. “Yeah, I guess you can say she is.” They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.
Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, “Can I have another egg?” The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, “Why don’t you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she’s so bloody beautiful?”Paddy calls emergency services and says,”Please come quick,I’m trapped in my apartment building at 11 Point Pleasant.”“What floor are you on sir?” asks the operator.“Ceramic tiles I think.” says Paddy!Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”He carefully got himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets.After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face.“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.“You’re ever so clever,” said the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy“you’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough.A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.”They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”You’ve never seen 2 people running so fast!!.Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ”Thieves Operate Here”…Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.“It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!” said my wife.“And Sir?” said the waiter. “How did you find the pork belly?”“Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday.”Two boys arguing.
“My dad’s better than your dad” says one.
“No, my dad’s better. He won the darts championship last week” says the other.
“Ok” says the first, “but my mam’s better than yours”
“Yeah” says the other. “My dad says the same”I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get the feck out!.Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon…Fair play to the fella, I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!!People accuse me of being pretentious because I’m rich.Anyway, I asked the person who I hired to pour my whisky, “Where’s the cigarette lighter?”He replied, “You gave him the day off, sir.”The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.She asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”Helen: “No, the gardener did.”Wife: “So, how much do you want?”I’m sure that my little brother is a drug addict.How do I know?Well, we were discussing comedy yesterday. I asked him for his best lines and he gave me a rolled up £20 note!I said to my son, ”When your Ma and I were dating in the 80s, I used to take her up the hills in my Lada.””Oh Aye?” he smirked, ”And what did you get up to, eh?”I replied, ”Almost 35 mph one time.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two snicker bars fall down at once from a vending machine.</span>
A biker stops at a young girl who’s just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, “why not give me your last kiss before you jump?”She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever.When she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?”She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room:She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:“Hello Darling.”The husband responds in a low tone:“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen!”A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.“I hurt,” the man said. “You don’t know how it feels.”“I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.”“Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said “Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?”Little Johnny said “Sulfuric Acid”Father Walsh said “you mustn’t play with that, it’s dangerous”Little Johnny said “I don’t tell you not to play with holy water”Father Walsh said ” No, because holy water is good…The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman’s tummy and she passed a baby boy.”“That’s nothing” Little johnny said “The other day I put Sulfuric Acid on my dogs Bollocks and he passed a Ferrari”I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan…
Awning has broken.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
