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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Went to the motor show, and as i parked up everyone from the BMW owners club rushed over and started pointing and videoing my old Toyota. That’s when i realised I’d left the indicator on!.. </span>
Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever seen.She danced up to me and said “Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?”I said “My glasses.”My wife just woken up from a coma and thinks it’s 2005. Which is great news. That’s two years before i met her!
I have announced that on 29th July I will be opening up a nightclub called “The Cemetery”People will be dying to get in there.Did you know this about Albert Einstein?
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 138, if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa “because she was so well endowed”.
(i.e., “Gigundo Mammaries!”)
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as…….Einstein’s Theory of RelativeTitty.”So many patient complaints since I built a huge house in the main Hospital ward.
They don’t like my bedside Manor!I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me 2 things
(1) It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet
(2) People get really pissed off when you fry eggs on their car!A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard Paddy, her husband’s key in the door:
“Stay where you are.” She said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Paddy lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
Paddy turned to his wife. “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted.” Said the wife. “Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four.
Aye, you’re feckin right.”In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three-pound live lobsters – one in each hand.It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well me Laddie I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!”The fisherman says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.”The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?”“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.”So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?”The fisherman says “What For?”The Fisheries Officer says, ” To call in the Lobsters”The fisherman says, ” What Lobsters?”Some woman pulled up outside my garage and I said, “your timing is off love.”“You can tell that without looking under the bonnet??”“No, we’re closed.”The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife.It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty f++king stadium!A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?”Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise…But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger & full of hope!So I’ve just finished converting my van to electric.I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer.It wouldn’t start at first, then I realised I hadn’t shut the door properly!!.The family dog has been very aggressive lately.My son suggested getting his balls chopped..I don’t know what good that has done. Now I have an aggressive dog and a son with no bollocks!!I refereed a woman’s football match yesterday it was brilliant, I booked two for muttering under their breath,one for giving me the silent treatment, and i sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what the feck she’d done wrong !
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left wasunder that dog.‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the littledog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down.The woman shrieked” Oh mon dieu, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American savage should be put in his place!’An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand.You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of thewindow.’!! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Little Tommy asked his mother: “who did I get my intelligence from”?His mother replies; “it must be from your father ’cause I still have mine”A 57 year old scruffy man who is the pm [ boris johnson ] and looks like a scarecrow is going to be a Dad again to his 33 year old wife.Sources confirmed that Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock are wanting a DNA test once the child is born to find out who the child’s biological father really is.Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long?”Bill laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”“It’s my job.” replied the salesman.Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”Bill thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”The salesman eyed Bill then said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.”Bill was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”“It’s my job.” came the familiar reply.Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.The salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”Bill was on a roll and agreed.The salesman eyed Bill’s feet and said, “Let’s see, nine-and-a- half?”Bill was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”“It’s my job.” said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”Bill thought for a second and said, “Sure, why not.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”Bill laughed smugly, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”The shocked salesman shook his head, “You can’t possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”<span id=”jsc_c_1rq” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span><span id=”jsc_c_1rq” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
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